Just When I Thought I'm Over It.

It was the days following my dad's death. He was buried on a Saturday, and the next day I went about all my Sunday routines as normal as I could. I went to the church, I watched my boyfriend get baptized, and it was all okay, I felt okay. The Sundays following were all okay for about a month or two. (Those early days were part blurry part really clear but mostly blurry). 

Several months after when I was already able to go back to most of my routines without feeling out of place or anything, I was “normal”. Then came one Sunday, as usual I went about my routine, I served at my home church and then continued with attending my bf’s church service and that was when I was knocked out of breath. Right there and then, when I was attending a regular church service. 

You might be wondering why, it’s just a service, what’s the big deal?

It was because the service happened to be in the church where my dad & I have always attended during his last year on earth, right after his diagnosis when he was still able and wanted to go to the church. I remember how the moment he said yes to going to church after his ALS diagnosis (he wasn’t really a church goer previously) was one of my sources of hope and fond memory during those dark times. It was my little victory in the time of defeat. 

But that afternoon as I was sitting there, I looked at the spot where he usually sat with me & my brother, and it dawned on me that he’s no longer here, there’s no more going to church with him, there’s no more of that special spot for us. And just like that, I couldn’t bear to sit still in the service (I hid in the toilet for a bit :p), and just like that, something that previously was a source of fond memory turned into a source of pain. It took me quite some time after that to be able to feel okay attending the church service.

I thought I was over it, I was over grief, but apparently I wasn’t. 

For you who may have known me for a long time, you would know that I have always been someone who doesn’t show my feelings towards anything, I rarely show my joy let alone my sadness. 

But grief has forced me beyond my limit and I realized how I could no longer store or shrug away those feelings, which frustrated me more than the feelings themselves. For so long, I have taken pride in thinking of myself as someone who is strong, who survived things where other people might not; but not this time, I felt weak, I couldn’t keep myself together, I was a huge mess.

Friends, I’m pretty sure that some of you can relate to what I experienced. We encountered a moment, we were taken by surprise, and we were immediately drowned in a huge wave of grief and sadness. 

If you have, I want you to know that it's normal, you are normal.
Because this is grief and grief is messy.
We probably think that grief is a one time thing, once we go through the stages we are over it, but the truth is...

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Friends, It’s okay to go in, out, and in and out of grief.

You are not weak just because you suddenly cry in random places, you are not weak just because you suddenly freeze and refuse to visit or enter certain places, you are not too much or too overly sensitive just because certain words and terms feel like a stab to your heart.

Friends, one thing you should remember is that in this journey of grief, you don’t have to go through it alone. Even when you feel out of place, please remember that there are people out there who can relate to your pain somehow. People who have been through a similar journey.

And we, as some of those people, we will be here to help,
to listen and maybe to answer some of your wonders.
And always remember that you are never alone for God is with you.
We are in the journey of grieving and healing, let's keep walking.