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He is God and I am not.

15 July, 2021

Hi everyone, 
It’s my turn to write a blog post this month on the topic of regret in grieving.
I really have no idea where to begin because when it comes to regret
it’s truly limitless,it’s bottomless.
If you ask me what did I regret the most in relation to my dad’s passing,
I don’t think I would ever be able to come up with just one answer, ever.

And I’ll be straight out honest with you,
it’s really hard for me to write this blogpost, because;
one, my heart, mind, and soul are already tired from what’s been happening around me
and you and the world with all the bad news and the fractures
this pandemic have brought on us.
two, it has been some intense few weeks since June this year marked
the two years since my dad was called back home amongst lots of other things.
three, writing this post required me to revisit the pain, the feelings, and the thoughts
that I have tried to avoid so many times.

but anyway, okay let me try to give you a short version of what happened 
and the regrets that come with it. 

November 10, 2017; the first time the family and I all heard these three letters; A, L, & S. 
I still remember that moment clearly in my head; 
where I was, who I was with, when I read this three letters
being announced in our family group chat.
and since then, I started thinking about the end.

19 months and 8 days later, the end came.
It came with no heads up in a way that was out of my imagination,
so unpredictable, and totally unlike the scenarios in my head; 
and I had so many scenarios of how the end might have been
since I have thought about it A LOT,
yet I was still wrong.

This had been my plan for that day;  
went to work-took care of some chores-went exercise-helped out at church 
and after that went home to have a talk with my dad regarding
his decisions and our upcoming plans.  

This was what really happened that day; 
went to work-took care of some chores-went exercise-
-received a phone call from my helper-rushed home, 

and yes as you have probably guessed, papa went home to be with Jesus that evening. 
There went my plan to talk to him, to say hi to him, to bring him out, to just be with him.
They’re gone. He is gone.

Based only on this one day event alone,
I could already come up with millions of things that I regret. 
All the could have been, should have been, would have been.
I could have chosen not to help out at church,
I should have drove faster home and maybe I would still get to say one last goodbye,
it would have been better for God to not do it this way and so much more. 
Can you imagine how much regret a lifetime brings?

I’m not saying that we are not allowed to regret things. 
It’s a part of our grieving journey that we're not supposed to resist
(yes guilty as charged, I am resisting it heheh)
Being done and processed right regret could be a source of growth, 
a place where we went from being wounded into coming out stronger.
But to dive too deep into this bottomless pit, would be a pointless painful journey.

So here are some of the things I learned in those few times
when I let myself processing regret
or when it had became too much for me (heheheh :p)

So many times when we regret things, we thought that it shows that
we have failed at something or we have failed someone. 
But I disagree with this, for me when we have regrets, 
it shows that we have so much love towards someone that nothing
we could have ever done would ever be enough to express how much
we want that person to be happy and to feel loved.
No matter how much we've done, when we love someone
we always want to do more and be more. 
So no, regretting doesn’t mean you have failed but instead you have loved,
and you’ve loved well.

If I could set a bottom on this bottomless pit, I would say that at the bottom of regret is love.

We regret things that we can’t redo, we can’t undo, or we didn’t get the chance to do;
because the person we want to do them with is no longer here with us.
It’s frustrating and it magnifies the fact that they are no longer here with us, that they have left. 
But hey, look around you, can you still see people who love you?
who care for you? who are with you?
These people are still here, they are still doing life with you,
and those things you want to do and you wish to redo, 
you can still do it with them, you still have the chance to love them even more,
to give them the love that you wish you have given more.
So use those regrets to fuel up your love and to love the people around you today, right now,
as if there’s no tomorrow.

Last thing of what probably is one of the hardest but true-est thing
that I had to face in facing my regrets, 
He is God and I am not. 
The days and months after my dad’s passing, 
I was mad at my self for not being enough for my dad,
and I was also really angry at God for taking away my dad from us they way He did.
I asked God all the whys, 
why did He take away my dad when he was only with our caretaker and helper, 
why not give us at least a time to say goodbye, 
why out of all the other days why that day and why that way.

One day through a song that I have heard so many times he gently said, 
“Because I am God and you are not. Because I know what’s best for you,
what will hurt you the least as painful as it still was, 
and because I love your dad even more than you love him
so I have to do what’s best for him too.”

That moment was the beginning of when I realize things,
It was never my place to begin with to decide what should have happened
and how things should have turned out. 
It was never my scenario that is going to be in play. 

Everything has always been God’s to begin with. 

To you who carry regrets for
so many things that you wish you have done with your loved one who’s no longer here; 
let me say this to you, thank you for loving so well, thank you for giving it your all,
thank you for wanting to give more, 
please keep on going because the world
and the people around you still need your love. 

To you who is still mad at yourself and at God for how all things turned out to be; 
let me say this to you,
I’m sorry that you have to go through this,
I’m sorry that you have to be in pain,
I’m sorry for all the tears that you have to shed, 
but I can tell you this one thing,
please believe that nothing is in vain, our pain is not wasted,
and try to release forgiveness upon yourself
all that happened to us, no matter how it turned out,
know that God’s love for you is still behind all those things. 

One day we will again find joy little by little,
and little by little as well it will hurt less. 

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