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A girl with a small heart.

05 June, 2020

Love, a four lettered word that sound so simple yet so complicated.
It’s one of the hardest concepts that I have to face and struggle with in life, yet.

Growing up, this is my understanding of love.
If you do as expected or more, then you are loved.
If you do less than expected, then you are not loved. 

I am not saying that my parents taught me wrong; 
well, could be but I guess it’s also just me. 

I have always been so stiff, so rigid when it comes to feelings and emotions. 
Things like how do I show that I’m happy, 
how do I express my disappointment, 
what to do when I’m sad and angry. 
I would swerve away from people trying to get close to me. 
I don’t know how to hug, I don’t know how to say “I love you”. 

I just don’t know how to express my feelings and emotions, 
to try to express them feels like sinning to me
and moreover the idea of showing it to people would let me spiral down
to the what ifs, to the thoughts of rejections, to the dark places. 

I was (still am) a girl with a small heart. 
Who would try so hard to do well in life to earn love. 
Who is most scared of being unloved and rejected by the people she loves.
Who doesn’t know what it really means to love and be loved.

It was only a few years back when I encountered the real form of love
that I finally caught a glimpse of what real love is all about. 
Real love doesn’t require you to be perfect to be loved. 
Real love didn’t ask to be loved to love.
Real love is unconditional.
Real love does exist. 

That real love has a name and it’s JESUS. 

When I met Jesus, I slowly but surely learn that love is not what I thought it was. 

It was a long and complicated journey that I am still on till now, 
it includes people who show real love to me,
it includes tears, hurt, and pain, 
it includes falling down several (or too many) times and getting back up again. 

Throughout this journey I learnt to love better and to love more. 
But I’ll save that story for next time. 

Sounds cheesy so far? Bear with me just a little bit more. 
What I want to discuss now is what is happening right now, to all of us. 

In this extraordinary time, I realised one thing. 

As our life was turned upside down,
When the world stripped us off all our worldly securities,
when we are forced to go back to our unmodified basic form of ourself, 
when we no longer have the time nor the energy to perform our best,
when we feel that we are sliding back to where I am just me and you are just you. 

We tend to be more impatient, 
we have become insecure, 
we make more mistakes, 
we become a worse version of ourselves.

If you’re agreeing to this and experiencing this,
the first thing I need you to know is
when I said we, I truly meant we as in everyone.
It’s not just you, everyone is experiencing it,
you are not a failure, you are not weaker, 
this is happening to everyone and you are normal. 

Second and a more important thing to know is
throughout all of these, 
one thing remains, the four lettered word I was talking about in the beginning,


As it was said in
1 Peter 4:8 The Passion Translation (TPT)
8Above all, constantly echo God’s intense love for one another,
for love will be a canopy over a multitude of sins.

Love covers a multitude of sin.
This includes the little slipped down the temptation alley, the unmeant burst of anger,
the mistakes made for whatever reasons, and everything else in between. 

Love covers all kind of conditions, old normal, new normal, or just normal. 

You don’t need to look happy and strong to be loved.
You don’t need to be awesome to be loved. 
You don’t need to pay a certain price to be loved. 
You don’t need to do all things right to be loved.

Love is what makes us stay forgiving when we are wronged during this time.
Love is what makes us stay and stick around despite everything else during this time.
Love is what makes us fight on during this difficult time.

This is a reminder for you that no matter what, you are loved 
and a call for you to no matter what, keep loving,  
more than ever now love is needed everywhere by everyone, 
and I know that you know because inside of you, you also have that longing.

I also know that it’s hard to love right now under this condition
when we barely have enough for ourselves,
it is in our human nature to want to be protected instead of protecting during difficult times,
but the strength to love has never come from us. 

1 John 4:19 The Passion Translation (TPT)
19 Our love for others is our grateful response
to the love God first demonstrated to us.

So what to do when we feel like we can’t love? 
Draw closer to the love Himself. 
Read the bible, worship, pray, be in His presence and feel how much He loves you.
Fill in your love tank by remembering all the great things He has done for you up to now, 
of all the things that remains even though you might have lost some, 
of all the people that stayed around you despite the hard times, 
of how far you’ve gone, how much you’ve been forgiven,
of all the underserved grace of God in your life.

Only then you can love others because we can not pour from an empty tank,
we love because He first loved us.

And this is why I told you how small hearted I was and I still do think still am,
I want to show you that it’s possible to love despite all our shortcomings.
I am not bragging but I’m just trying to prove a point here, 
I so often get people saying to me things like “hey you are so kind”,
“you are such a big hearted girl”, “you are a loving person”, or “thanks for the love;” 

but you know from all my statements above, 
what they were saying about me was not true.

Here’s what’s true, 

I am a girl with a small heart who has a big God so that I too, can love big,
and with this I hope that you will too. 

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